The Longest Monday Morning Memo Ever Sent and Perhaps the Least Useful But I Think You Might Like It Anyway.
In The Wizard of Ads he was the hero of chapter 59, Silver Paint and a Weed-Eater. Secret Formulas revealed him as my cohort in a 2AM episode with the police entitled Specifics and Generalities. In Magical Worlds you'll remember him as the hero of chapter 81, Pull the Trigger and Ride the Bullet. But during the 2003 pro basketball semi-finals, Pennie and I were astounded to see this man that readers assume to be my imaginary best friend playing point guard for the Dallas Mavericks. So I sent him an email:
Dear Mr. Moongrave Starmonkey,
Pennie and I have enjoyed watching you play basketball. How long have you been with the Dallas Mavericks and when did you start using the name Steve Nash? As soon as the playoffs are over, why don't you guys plan a trip to Austin? We'll figure out some things to do, or maybe we'll just hang around and talk. We think of you guys often and miss you badly. It's been too long since we talked.
Yours,
Roy H. Williams
The next morning I received Mr. Starmonkey's reply:
Yo. Bud.
Remember the episode of Bonanza where Hoss was chasing after a bunch of cattle rustlers who were trying to steal stock from the Ponderosa and he fell from his horse and hit his head on a rock and for a long time afterwards everyone he saw looked like Hopsing? Have you suffered any recent head trauma that could possibly explain your outlandish email message?
However as you probably know head traumas are not contagious, which would not explain your shared bout of dementia with the little woman. If you both suffer from similar delusions I'd suspect that it is an acute humidity related ailment of which can only be cured by relocating to the coastal regions of southern California.
Note for future reference I no longer answer to the Moongrave Starmonkey moniker; that was just a tax-dodge that I no longer employ. Just for the record I am now among the rank of taxpayers. Should be further noted that you are fully and entirely to blame for the 20-plus year lapse in which I refrained from contributing to the national endowment.
Recall that outreach ministry Teen Challenge in Oakland? You brought them to my attention back in the early 80's and I started sending them money. Then one day in 1982 I get a letter from the IRS and they said that in order for me to have given this ministry the amount of money that I claimed on my returns that I must be underreporting my income. So they jacked me with a big honking bogus penalty and told me to send them all the money I had for the next fifty years and we would all be square again.
I think what compounded the problem was that I didn't open the letter for about 9 or 10 months after I received it. I figured it couldn't be anything good and my theory has always been to ignore your problems and they'll just go away. Statistically, my theory has been somewhat flawed when given the test of time. So when I did finally open the letter, the penalty and interest was in the realm of monopoly money so I just said, “I quit, I don't want to be a tax payer anymore,” and just went about my way for the next 20-plus years.
Then one day the little woman asked me why we never did any kind of paperwork like everyone else does on April 15. I explained how the IRS had jobbed me and I worked the persecution angle, how the government was jacking me because I was helping support a ministry. I got quite a bit of mileage out of it for several years, but then more and more she started to get really edgy about the whole deal and so as you may be aware, sometimes (however not often) you have to make compromises in your marriage.
So I went to my attorney and told him the deal, when I got to the part about having grossed about 2 million in furniture sales he started to get really wacked out and said he couldn't feel his legs. He told me not to tell him any more cause I was making him cry. He did an exhaustive search and found me a guy who's considered one of the heavy hitters in the business, a full-blown tax attorney recognized by the IRS.
The guy put his entire staff on filing my tax returns for the past 20 years, he charged me about $150 a minute. He told me to sell everything I owned and even things I didn't own and bring him a humongous sack of jack that he was going to send to the IRS along with my past 20 years of returns. He told me as soon as he submitted the returns that I needed to start sleeping in my car with the motor running and a full tank of gas. He said it was going to hit the fan with they got those 20-plus years of returns. He said I was going to have audits out the wazoo for the next 20 years.
So he sent them in with all the money in the world and we waited for the explosion, then about 30 days later I get a letter from the IRS, this one I went ahead and opened the same day thinking with all the time and money I had tied up in this deal I might as well play along. I opened the letter and there was a refund check for $162. They said that I had overpaid. Then about 30 more days later I started getting a ton of letters from city, state and federal agencies telling me that all the tax liens and levies filed against me the past 20 years have been removed.
And they all lived happily ever after. The little woman is downright gleeful about the whole thing being fully resolved, so much resolved in fact that I now pay my taxes quarterly. Me, I kind of yearn for those days of being out there on the edge, just one step ahead of the Man, but I try to keep busy rotating the tires on the mini-van so as not to think about it as much.
AMW
Reader, do you have a friend you haven't talked to in a while? If so, why not set aside the petty urgencies of life and email them, or give them a call? It will only take a few minutes and it will greatly improve your day. And theirs. Do it.
Roy H. Williams
PS – You'll find all 3 of the books mentioned in the opening paragraph in most bookstores and at www.amazon.com and deeply discounted at www.WizardAcademyPress.com – Adam Hollins, director, Wizard Academy
PPS: Been waiting for a bargain opportunity to attend the Magical Worlds curriculum at Wizard Academy? This is it! As a special gesture to those bold students who are willing to endure the withering heat of a central Texas summer, the July 23-25 session is being offered at one half the standard tuition. Contact Adam Hollins at (800) 425-4769 or email Adam@wizardacademy.org to save your seat.